11 Ways to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Do you find yourself saying yes to requests, even when you’re exhausted or have other priorities? If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by trying to make everyone around you happy, this post is for you. As a people-pleaser in recovery, I know this constant pressure of not making anyone uncomfortable can drain your energy and take away from your own happiness.
People-pleasing is a common behaviour that stems from a deep need to be liked and accepted, but it often leads to a loss of self-identity. Emotionally, people-pleasing can lead to stress, anxiety, and resentment. Physically, the constant pressure to not upset others can cause fatigue and burnout. In relationships, it often results in unbalanced dynamics where your needs are consistently sidelined.
In this post, we'll explore 11 practical and empowering ways to stop being a people pleaser to help you live a more fulfilled, free, and authentic life.
Understanding People-Pleasing
People-pleasing involves prioritising others’ needs and desires over your own, often at your own expense. Common signs include difficulty saying no, constantly seeking approval, and feeling responsible for other’s happiness. This behaviour can be rooted in a fear of rejection, a desire for approval, or childhood experiences that taught you to equate love with compliance.
Before we can change our people-pleasing habits, it’s crucial to understand where they come from. Often, this behaviour stems from a desire to be liked, fear of rejection, or a need for approval. By recognising these underlying reasons, we can start addressing them directly.
Reflection Tip: Take a moment to journal about when you first noticed your people-pleasing tendencies. What were the situations? How did you feel? Understanding these patterns can help you see them more clearly and work on changing them. If you feel ready for it, I highly recommend you to try a guided inner child meditation to see if you can get to the root causes of your deep desire to be liked by everyone.
1. Recognise the Behaviour
The first step in changing any behaviour is recognising and acknowledging it. Take some time to reflect on your actions and notice patterns of people-pleasing. Self-awareness is crucial in understanding why you engage in people-pleasing behaviours.
Keep a journal to track instances where you prioritise others’ needs over your own and reflect on the underlying reasons. No instance is too small or too big. Write it all down. Take a look at the things you've written down, and see if you can recognise a pattern. Write down any other thoughts that might come to mind when reading through the instances you've written down.
2. Understand Your Inner Child
The concept of the inner child refers to the childlike aspect within each of us that holds our deepest emotions and memories. Many people-pleasing behaviours stem from unmet needs and traumas experienced in childhood. By connecting with and healing your inner child, you can address these root causes. Heal your inner child with meditation, therapy, or simply visualising talking to your inner child with compassion and understanding.
I would say that Inner Child Healing is by far what has helped me the most in my people-pleasing recovery.
3. Set Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining self-respect and protecting your well-being. Saying no is a powerful act of self-care. It’s important to remember that you have the right to decline requests that don’t align with your priorities or well-being.
Start by identifying areas in your life where you need boundaries. Boundaries help protect your energy and time, ensuring that you’re not overextending yourself to please others. Start small by saying no to something minor and gradually build up to bigger asks.
Boundary-Building Tip: Practice saying no with kindness. You don’t need to explain yourself extensively. A simple “I’m sorry, I can’t commit to that right now” is sufficient.
4. Prioritise Self-Care
Self-care is crucial in reducing people-pleasing behaviours. When you prioritise your own well-being, you’re better equipped to help others without sacrificing yourself. Incorporate different forms of self-care into your routine, such as physical activities, emotional relaxation, and spiritual practices. Create a personalised self-care routine that fits your lifestyle and needs.
Listen to your body and honour its needs. Drink when you are thirsty, rest when you are feeling tired. Don't push through just because you can. Your needs are important. You are important.
Self-Care Tip: Schedule self-care activities into your calendar just like you would any other important appointment. This makes it less likely for you to skip them.
5. Build Self-Confidence
Low self-esteem often underlies people-pleasing behaviours. Building self-confidence can help you stand firm in your own needs and desires. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself, and use affirmations to reinforce positive self-beliefs. Surround yourself with supportive, positive people who uplift and encourage you. Celebrate your strengths and achievements, no matter how small they may seem.
Confidence-Building Tip: Keep a journal where you write down three things you did well each day. Over time, this practice can help boost your self-esteem and remind you of your worth.
6. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation
Mindfulness can help you recognise people-pleasing behaviours as they occur and make conscious choices to prioritise your own needs. When you’re mindful, you can catch yourself in the act of people-pleasing and choose a different response. It also helps reduce stress and increase self-awareness. Simple mindfulness exercises, such as deep breathing and body scans, can be easily integrated into your daily life. Guided meditations focused on self-compassion and assertiveness can also be beneficial.
Mindfulness Tip: Start with just five minutes of mindful breathing each day. Gradually increase the time as you become more comfortable with the practice.
7. Seek Professional Help if Needed
If you find that people-pleasing is deeply ingrained and difficult to overcome on your own, consider seeking help from a therapist or counsellor. Finding the right therapist who understands your needs can make a significant difference. Professional guidance can provide valuable insights and strategies to help you break free from these patterns.
8. Focus on Your Needs and Desires
Understanding your own needs and desires is key to overcoming people-pleasing. Take time to reflect on what truly matters to you and prioritise those things. Techniques like creating a vision board or a personal goals list can help you stay focused on your own aspirations and dreams. When you’re clear about your own goals and priorities, it becomes easier to say no to things that don’t align with them. Take some time to define what truly matters to you and create a plan to pursue these goals.
Tip: Write down your top three personal and professional goals. Keep them visible as a daily reminder of where you want to focus your energy.
9. Surround Yourself with Supportive People
The company you keep can significantly influence your behaviour. Surround yourself with friends and family who respect your boundaries and encourage your growth. These supportive relationships can provide the strength you need to stand firm in your choices.
Supportive Circle Tip: Evaluate your relationships and gently distance yourself from those who consistently drain your energy or disrespect your boundaries.
10. Embrace Imperfection
Perfectionism often goes hand-in-hand with people-pleasing. Remember, it’s okay to make mistakes and not meet everyone’s expectations all the time. Embrace your imperfections and understand that they make you uniquely you.
Imperfection Tip: Challenge yourself to do something imperfectly on purpose. It could be a small task, like drawing something that’s not perfect or cooking a new recipe without worrying about the outcome. This helps you get comfortable with imperfection.
11. Embrace Authenticity
Living authentically means being true to yourself and your values. When you embrace authenticity, you no longer feel the need to please others at the expense of your own well-being. Practice authenticity in your daily life by expressing your true thoughts and feelings, and making choices that align with your values. The benefits of living authentically are profound, including improved mental health and more meaningful relationships.
Final Thoughts
Breaking free from people-pleasing behaviours is a journey that requires self-awareness, self-compassion, and a commitment to personal growth. By recognising and acknowledging your behaviour, healing your inner child, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritising self-care, you can begin to reclaim your life and live more authentically. Celebrate your progress along the way, and be kind to yourself as you navigate this new path. You deserve to live a life that is balanced, fulfilled, and true to who you are. You’ve got this!
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Additional Resources
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